I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
