I didn't shave. On purpose
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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