gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
