im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
