i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
