I got her a Nickelback box set.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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