so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
