he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
