I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
