did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
