is your mom at the bar?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
