I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
