i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
