I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
