so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
