Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
