i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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