Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
