i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
