It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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