its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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