Do you still have your period?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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