Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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