just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
