i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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