The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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