tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
