I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
jump out the window naked night went bad
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