his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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