I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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