now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
