birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
