The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
