My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
