I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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