shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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