Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
