Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
