I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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