Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
