My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
