sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
