just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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