census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
