1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
