I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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