I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
