So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
