My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The power of my boobs compel you
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
