I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
